What's the Job Description?

I went to a job interview one lovely cool, fall day.  I was told to be there at 9:30am for the interview.  At this point, I was pretty desperate for a job so I would go to any interview I could.  This one happened to be very close to my home so I was pretty excited, but I really didn’t know the actual job description or anything about the company.  I’d never even heard of them before, but like I said, I was desperate.  I had asked the “boss” lady who called me for the interview what the job description was and she said, “It is an administrative assistant position.”  I said, “Ok” to her and “no shit” to myself.  I was fully aware of the title of the job because I was the person who applied for it.  I wanted to know what HER description of it was.  All companies are different.  She then continued to explain the company expectations and what they did, stood for, and blah blah blah.  She rambled for what seemed like 5 hours, but was really like 3-4 minutes about how it was her company, how she was the CEO and it was some crap about insurance representation for the financially unstable.  It didn’t make any sense to me, but if forced to, I would.  

I arrived for my interview at 9:10 (remember, the actual interview was at 9:30) only to wait.  I met with a male receptionist when I walked in and he was ever so pleasant.  He offered me coffee and kolaches.  I was pretty sure they weren’t real kolaches but in fact dough, stuffed with fruit jelly then baked.   I also knew only old Czech women know what real kolaches are and at that point, I declined the imitation because I know that man didn't go get a true Czech person to make those kolaches for him that morning.   He just didn't.  I only know about true kolaches  because I grew up in a small town full of Czech women who made batches of them all the time and had kolache sales on the weekends.  While I was at it, I declined the coffee, too.  Any coffee that’s free is shit.  It’s weak like an emo kid.  I hate public coffee. 

As the male receptionist was doing his business setting up for the day, he started a small talk conversation with me.  He asked me if I went to college and the answer was yes.  I’m pretty sure he was jealous.  My school is awesome.  He tried to talk to me about college sports, but I didn’t care and just tried to act interested.  I asked him if he knew much about the position and he said that it was an administrative assistant position.  No shit…again.  Where’s Watson?   I looked around.  

Time went on; I still never got the answer I wanted about the job expectations/description.  I just wanted to know what it was I was supposed to do if hired.  How hard is that to answer?  It was like these people were politicians the way they avoided directly answering questions—or maybe they just didn’t really know.  Shoot, if they really walked around oblivious all day and got paid for it--I'm game.  I love doing that.

It was 9:25 at this point.  The phone rang; the male receptionist answered it in an animated voice.   I heard, “Yes ma’am!  I will let her know!!”  He hung up. “Laticia will be a little late.  She apologizes.”  Wow.  Why in the hell would I want to work for a company when the “oh so powerful” boss lady can’t even keep her time promise?  I smiled politely, trying to be the best prospective employee ever and sucked up my irritation.  As I crossed my legs for the 50^th time (I fidget a lot), Mary Poppins walked in.  

Now, I know you’re thinking Leticia looked like Mary Poppins, but this was not Laticia.  It was the next individual to be interviewed.  Mary Poppins is the nickname I have given to this woman.  She was dressed like a headmaster at a private school in 1953 and she was probably in her  early 30’s.  See, Mary Poppins and I were actually punctual.  Leticia, the boss, was still late.  If she wanted to meet with me at 9:52 (which was when she showed up), then she should have scheduled my interview at 9:52. In the mean time, I said good morning to Mary Poppins and she ignored me.  I'd be intimidated, too.

 Laticia, the CEO, finally shows up with her Starbuck’s (which probably took 10 minutes to get) and is vivacious all around!  Laticia is very outspoken and obviously a powerful woman.  I was called into the office where Laticia and a female cross between Steven Tyler and Janice Dickinson  awaited my responses to their “difficult” generic interview questions.  They began with questions about taking control of situations.  I gave examples, they gave examples, we all gave examples.  It was like a slumber party share session, but for grownups in business wear and no sleeping bags.  I was looking around for the games and snacks.

Bullshit questions were asked and I gave bullshit answers—I’m never going to tell a prospective employer that I am an underachiever, hate schedules, don’t care to move up because that means more responsibility.  I do just what I have to do to get by--plain and simple.    Even my current boss knows this.  Ten minutes went by then I did it again.  I asked my question once more.  “What is the job description?”  She rehashed everything she had just said and even reminisced about our phone call which I really didn’t remember because she had disturbed me when I was in the middle of drinking lunch with friends.  I had to act like I remembered what she told me on the phone, which was all gibberish and didn’t mean anything anyway.  Then in the middle of more gibberish, she said the word “sales.”  Oh no ma'am!!! 

I said, “Hold on.  Sales?”  She said, “Yes, when I am out of the office, you would act as me and be in charge of sales.”  First of all, if I were to “act as her,” I’d have to gain some weight, get really long cat-like solar nails, fake lashes, hair extensions, wear too much make up, and act busy all day.  I just wasn’t up to that challenge.  

I calmly said, “I asked about the job entailment several times and no one ever mentioned sales.  I don’t do sales.”  I apologized for wasting their time and got up and left.  On my way out, I wished Mary Poppins the best of luck and she still ignored me.  The End.